Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
