Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
