This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
