I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
