Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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