i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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