if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
