I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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