i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
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She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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