someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Randomize
