you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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