all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
