so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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