had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
