i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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