if i can run in heels then i can drive
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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