i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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