We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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