when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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