We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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