I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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