There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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