if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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