why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
