Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
