How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
