youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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