4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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