some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I supernannyed him into submission
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
