Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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