Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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