I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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