Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
