Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
