Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
