just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
