i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
