i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
