So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
