I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
thus making me awesome and them whores
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This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
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On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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