two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
