I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
