Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
