Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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