I cannot find my penis.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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