I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
