New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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