I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
