My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
