i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
