No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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