I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
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