The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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