It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
