I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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