I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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