im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
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Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
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Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone