I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.