Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
