The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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